I confess…

…after being called out on it…

…that  last weeks re-post of my first 2010 post was a lame attempt to seem engaged when Iimageswasn’t. It was also kindly brought to my attention that I was still celebrating my 100th post at post # 102.

Can’t blame a gal for trying…

So here’s the truth.

I confess…I had nothin’ to say. NOTHIN’.  I had paid attention all week to events that occurred and nothing captured my attention or  my heart. Nothing stirred me. So I wrote about going to dinner with another couple and how I didn’t enjoy myself. The spin I took in the 600 word masterpiece was how it was me I didn’t enjoy. Not them. I was astutely noticing that when I say, I didn’t enjoy myself, I often make it about the other, when it is really me that was being a poop. I spent 2 ½ hours Sunday morning, using my evolved hunt and peck typing skills to write this brilliant piece. At 2 hours and 45minutes I reread it and said, “Who gives a crap?”

I was tired of myself. I felt self absorbed and whiny. I was impersonating someone who had something of importance to say. Like I said earlier, I had nothing.

So I reposted.

Secondly, I confess…about a month ago I had a stalker. He contacted me through Facebook, snail mail, phone, Psychology Today and finally here, my precious blog, where I bare myself to you. Where I use names and places of my dear ones. Did you notice in the post, I just went for a salad and got a life lesson, I didn’t say what grocery store I was in? That was purposeful. I was scared. I didn’t want him knowing where I shop.

Since then he has been caught, reprimanded and has stopped contacting me. But, my hesitancy — about what this means to my blog and how should I proceed — has not been resolved inside of me. Perhaps I was naive to think I could put myself into the cyber world and not have something creepy happen. My sense of good will and safety has been shaken. Now, instead of thinking about each of you as I write, I have to push him out of my head.

My therapist reminded me how much I love to write. He also helped me to remember what this blog means to me. He encouraged me to persevere, to not to give up what I love out of fear. I love him.

Finally, I confess…I wonder if anyone out there is reading this? Some of you tell me how much you enjoy being Boswell — which very honestly keeps me writing, but as you can see there are no comments. I started bB to have conversation. Some of you may remember Conversation Cafe where Jodi and I, for 2 years, made space for women to gather and talk about heart felt issues. That was a very special event for us and for the woman that attended. I hoped bB would invite conversation too.

So the truth is, I want/need something from you. Talk to me. Talk to each other. Make this your place too. I’m feeling lonely out here all by myself…

Also, tell a your friends about bB. Send them links to your favorite posts. I have been working to build readership by figuring out SEO’s (search engine optimization), increasing FB page likes and daily tweeting. This exhausts me and my head feels like it is going to explode. Recently, when I was close to detonation, a left brained man suggested I stop all that and use word of mouth. My energy returned and my head remained on my shoulders. I never wanted to do all the shenanigans and contortions the blog world requires. I just wanted to write for you, and for me.

So would you help me build my readership? Please?

That is my confession. I never quite understood the value of my Catholic friends going to confession, but I think I understand now. I feel better after having leveled with you.

Thanks for listening. Would love to hear from you : )

 

 
waxseal2

 

 

 

8 thoughts on “I confess…

  1. Dear Patricia,
    I am still reading your post. Since I was in the Woman’s Group and you were counseling me, I hold back some comments so you don’t think I am stalking you. Funny that you talked about that stalker. How terrifying it must have been for you. Wrong as he is to stalk you , I understand wild attachments to people that make you want more from them even though they don’t feel that way or even know you. It is sad…….
    Do I hear defeat in your writing? I hope not. The person I saw in group is so inspiring and full of life. Don’t give in to defeat you will wind up like me thinking there is something I am missing.

    That confession picture reminds me of the first time I went to confssion. It frightened me to death. Why did I have to tell this priest what they thought were sins. All the prayers you had to follow just to complete at confession. My favoirte line I am heartly sorry for having offended thee. How did this priest know God was offended.
    So again the Catholic Church making you feel bad to get closer to God. Go figure. I was so frightened of God that till this day I still sit and cowher in the back of any organized religion…. Sad >>>>>> Keep writing I enjoy it….kim

    • Dear Kim, thank you for your comment and your honesty. I always appreciate that in your comments. To answer your question, maybe I do feel a bit defeated…I don’t know if I would have used that word, but it seems to fit. I was recently at a 3 day training where we were asked to introduce ourselves with an adjective starting with the first letter of our first name. My first thought was, “You’re F*#@ing kidding me, are we in first grade or psychology 101?” HOwever, when it was my turn I said, “Hi I am Patricia and I persevere.” I may feel defeated or perhaps discouraged right now, but I will continue to write. And I will regroup in a way that makes my commitment stronger. Let me be clear too. My discouragement is mine. I asked for comments as a way to gain steam, not to blame anyone for my experience.
      Thanks again Kim

  2. That was quite a brave confession Patricia…has me wondering what I have to confess.
    Well, I’ll start off by confessing that sometimes I feel a little funny leaving a comment. Although I seem to have built up to “liking” things on Facebook, actually leaving a comment feels different. Although, your confession may have been the final drop that pushed my flood gates open. I enjoy your blog, I am pleased to see it in my inbox each Monday morning. You’re writing this blog because you enjoy writing, and I like to read what you have to say, whether you hear from me or not. Keep writing, we’ll keep reading…and thanks to your confession, you’ll likely hear from me more often.

    • I understand Dana, and appreciate your sharing. Putting yourself “out there” is risky business. A friend, and fellow therapist, recently read a post and emailed me asking if I feel exposed by what I write and how do I deal with that. I wrote back to her explaining that I have a high tolerance for exposure, I usually assume-perhaps sometimes falsely-that it being received with good will, but the stalker had shaken that in me. I went on to say that I really love writing about what matters to me and sharing that, so I don’t want to get scared out of doing it. SO I don’t know how I will deal with some of the details of my sharing but i want to keep sharing.

      • I like that description…”a high tolerance for exposure”. I love that you love writing, and that you’re doing it. How many of us have a desire to do something but talk ourselves out of it because of self-doubt and fear.

  3. Hi Patricia,
    I am so appreciative of your writings! Each week I look forward to receiving the posting notice in my inbox.
    Please continue to share your gift for I can see that along with me there are many who enjoy reading your blog.
    What do you love most about writing and sharing what matters to you? Keep that in the forefront.
    Fondly,
    Jeannie

    • Thanks Jeannie for your support. What I love about writing is that I have a place to put my thoughts, the way I see the world, instead of holding it all inside of myself. I have always loved to share things I think others will like…if I find a great shampoo, or wonderful repair person, or a good deal, I will tell everyone I think will be interested so they can benefit too. It is the same with writing. I think, hope, I have something of value to offer, so I want to share it. Maybe it’s my kind of legacy…

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